Often, when a child dies, the support is plentiful, in perhaps the days and few weeks following. Perhaps you have noticed that since the funeral, or goodbye service, not everyone is 'there' or is not showing they 'remember'.
This can be the hardest crutch to bear, especially for a bereaved mummy or daddy. They will never forget the child that died, and they don't want to feel that their child has been forgotten.
When a child dies, whether it be unexpected or expected, its still all encompassing. There is guilt, there is anger, there is frustration. It's harder when you have watched your child fight a battle bigger than the biggest mountain, yet something out of your control means that they still die. You have watched your child come through heart surgery, breath a tiny sigh of relief, only for it all to collapse around you in a spilt second. What if it is nothing to do with the original illness? Nothing no one could have or should have foreseen. There will be unanswered questions and sometimes we get answers but sometimes we have to accept they are just gone.
The first year is always the worst. The first of everything without Heaven's newest angel. But what is unwritten, is the fact that the second year is actually a lot worse than the first. This is because you expect the first year to be hard and you have a glimmer of hope that things may be better after that. The memory of the child is not as fresh to everyone as it once was, but to you, it was as if it was yesterday. Whether it is 1 week, 6 months or 5 years down the line. We will always be here for you.
Moving on, or what feels like moving on, is another obstacle. Do not feel guilty for smiling, laughing and feeling happy. You are not dishonouring them, they do not mind at all.
Knowing what to do for the first and subsequent birthdays and anniversaries is always an internal dilemma. Do you celebrate as if they were here? Let it go as if it was another day?
Do what feels right.
No one can tell you what is the right way to honour the day. Why not light a candle? Release a balloon?Release a lantern? Go for a meal? Have a party? Only you know what feels right to do on these days and it may take a while to find what does feel right.
Seeking help is a big and brave step to do and you shouldn't feel like a failure. In actual fact, you are braver than you know. Counselling may be helpful but its about finding the right counsellor too.
Seeking help is a big and brave step to do and you shouldn't feel like a failure. In actual fact, you are braver than you know. Counselling may be helpful but its about finding the right counsellor too.
If you are a friend or family member and you are wondering how you can help, the little things are what will count more than anything. Remembering when everyone seems to have forgotten. Saying their name. They existed, they were here. Being normal. Not treading on eggshells, they are not fragile, they are not physically broken. They just need to know someone is there, willing to listen to whatever they say. Someone to let them cry or be angry. It is not personal, it's just their way of letting it all out.
Remembering their birthday. Remembering their anniversary. Remembering Mothers Day. Remembering Fathers Day.
Marking the occasion.
Nothing is worse than feeling like no one cares, no one remembers. Break the silence of baby loss.
